Supposed to sit on this short test on architectural professional practice. At first everyone is told to sit with one table between each person. Sooner or later everyone dribbles slowly into the lecture hall, only to realise there is no space and they can't use the room next door. The professor then relieves the rule that everyone should sit with a table between and likewise everyone has a table to themselves, squashed in to complete the exam. I was trying to drink the rest of my coffee from lunch, looking around really coolly, but in fact I probably looked like some nervous wreck. I was getting the jitters.
Something really dumb, horrible and nerve wrecking (at the time) happens afterwards.
Before this shuffle I had left my notes on somebody's file. In the shuffle, he shut the file containing my notes, and left it on his lap for the duration of the exam.When it was time to sit the test, I realised what had happened, and my mind wanted to scream out a whole line of words such as holy shit fuck what do I do. So I waited anxiously. And then when the professor wasn't watching I snatched the file off him, took my notes, and gave him back the file in one short sweep. And then I hope the professor wasn't watching, so he wouldn't accuse me of cheating. Which technically I wasn't. I wasn't cheating I was just getting my notes back. I wanted to check I got the question on variations right. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't catch me. I'm pretty sure I looked quite dodgy and everything, if he caught my eye. I hope the guy who I took the file from doesn't ask any questions.
I also hope today that I could muster enough motivation to finish the BCA compliance report, instead of reading House of Leaves. I don't blame myself, House of Leaves is a lot more interesting then the BCA. The book is open on my table. My mind always falls on that table, into the book, where I get lost. I'm afraid that instead of getting my work done, I would be swallowed up in that story. I need to lock that thing up. I managed to power through the whole of Section A to F of the BCA on Monday before my mind blacked out completely, so I'm not completely hosed, as in I can't make it by the due date. And then I found myself staring at my bedroom walls for a whole few hours thinking of shutting myself out from the world and draining out all the emotion (like cut my veins and let the resulting liquid spill over all the floor) I had boarded up for a whole month or so on a lot of things, which can't really be mentioned here.
I keep thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I really need to stop this.
1 comment:
It's the stress and the worry talking. Take some time to breath and don't worry about what others think of you. There are days when everything is so meh, but there are also days of pure sunshine and happiness. Just remember that God loves you and I'm sure you'll be able to push through a-ok. c:
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