Fitting All the Broken Pieces Together

Last week was a good week of talking to the Lord, and He has spoken very clearly about a lot of things, even though I am struggling with daily devotional time, and sometimes I don't end up praying every day.

For one, as I was collecting my marked folios and assignments from uni, I felt so horrified and disappointed at my work. I didn't want to touch it, I never wanted to set eyes on it again. I never wanted to know the mark because I knew it was probably close to a fail.

When I came back I then protested to God, muttering in half-dim-witted prayer in the hope He heard me. It went somewhat like this: 'I'm doing so bad in my course. It's probably because I lack desire for it now. You see God, I don't know why I'm studying architecture, when I don't truly have a passion for it. I don't hate it a fair lot, you know, like Monica hates accounting, but I just feel that I can't keep up any more. You know, if I keep this up, I'm eventually going to really hate it, and quit in my fury.'

To my surprise God answered with a straight reply, 'Look, why are you giving up so easily? You have a million things you want to start, but then you never finish. Like your videoing for example, or the time you took up costuming. Or even your piano playing. Besides, you really shouldn't be worrying about it, thinking about what you're going to study is actually very trivial, and the fact that you have a life in eternity, means that you shouldn't waste time thinking about what you are going to do in this life. You should spend some more time thinking about how you can serve Me. Besides, you haven't done that in a long time. But I don't want you to give up. I want you to hold in longer, because I didn't put you in this place for nothing.'

I wondered, how long? 'It doesn't really matter how long. If you do decide to quit, then I will bless you with whatever other path you chose. If you don't, then make yourself useful for once.'

So now I am wondering how to serve the Lord. I am thinking of joining the arts team at youth. At first I didn't want to go, because I thought that pride in my position would get the better of me. But then God said, 'it is a greater sin if you do not serve Me.' And when I thought back, I realised it was actually true; because I held back that one talent to serve the Lord, eventually led to my declining interest in design. And now, I am at wit's end to find out what really do I have left in life to do. What a silly excuse, this pride issue; I've tried to drown what seemed to be a big sin, but then it led to an even bigger sin. I heard the devil likes doing that.

Now I guess I found it, almost. I'm thinking of other options. But now I found that being with God truly gives you peace.